It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.