It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
