It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I don’t know what to do
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.