[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.