It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Botany good plants lately?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A classic…
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.