It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.