It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
You Might Also Like
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My good tweets are in my other pants.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?