Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

so this horse walks into a bar

getting groceries

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.