Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

My blood type is coffee.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby