It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
😂😂😂
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.