It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?