it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!