Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I gave up going to work for lent.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

bros in the example zone 😭

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

Thinking about a snail with a limp

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?