Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”