Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

So we got a goldfish…

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.