It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Ken is short for chicken
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?