It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me, flirting😏
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Breaking news:
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
This trial is so absurd 😭
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Home #decor warning.
