It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Look at this
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back