It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Family Celebrity
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
It’s the weekend y’all
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
when u come home smelling like another dog
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
