It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Oh we’ve met.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁