It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?