It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!