It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
This 4th of July, please remember…
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
real
