It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Fidel Castro was alive?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
This one’s “Alex”.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.