‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I feel it
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?