‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
You Might Also Like
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Very good! 👍😂
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.