It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
You Might Also Like
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.