it’s finally my moment to shine
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My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Krampus.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
one of
LA today:
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.