it’s finally my moment to shine
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
A roof is a house hat.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”