Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”