it’s finally my moment to shine
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive