it’s finally my moment to shine
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I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.