It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
what does he know…
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
prepare for carbonated trouble
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time