Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

i think we should see other cousins

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

My plans: 2020:

LOL

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

old twitter is back baby