Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

I’m giving up ice.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows