Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

every olympics i turn into this guy

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.