It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …