Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say