Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

This is the one

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Schrödinger’s cookie

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Where is your GOD now????

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.