Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

What number SPF blocks people?

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]