“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.