“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
This kinda thing happens to me often
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle