“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
You Might Also Like
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out