It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.