It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Don’t talk down to me
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Good point.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.