Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.