Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Toxic snake

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Blew my mind.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.