“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.