“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You Might Also Like
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
prepare for carbonated trouble
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.