@MichaelSmartGuy

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@Rob_Firm

Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.

@MarfSalvador

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks