Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks