Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

The Joker was right

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink