Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

#Thanos #MondayMood

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.