It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.