Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

When you’ve simply given up.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.