Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix