It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?