Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground