It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
When your diet is finally over.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
😭😭😭
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex