Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

That’s enough internet for the day

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

decorating my apartment