Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can’t go to college.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.