It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
🐶😂
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.