It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
You Might Also Like
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store