It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
peep davidson
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.