It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.