It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.