Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?