It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
lmfao come on
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.