It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Just parrot things
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Morning all.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*