It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will