Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

repaired

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

*gets down on one knee*

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit