Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bat life

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili