it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.