it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.