it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
You Might Also Like
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??