it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
As a doctor, I can confirm
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP