Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

forgive me baja for i have blast

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

hand it over!

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.