It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training